I'm still in denial that Fall is here. The summer came and went way too quickly for my liking. The summer was full of events some good, some not so good and some that were damaging to my soul. In fact after reviewing our summer most of the things that effected me greatly were decisions made my others. Decisions that left me feeling like I was being spat on while they were stabbing me in the heart. May sound dramatic but these decisions concerned things very close to my heart. And because of these feelings and convictions, I in return was judged for not being Christlike or loving-which was more painful because I was doing everything in my power to be loving and understanding. It's been a vicious cycle of pain and it's not until I've allowed myself to feel vulnerable that I realize how much pain I'm holding in or holding on to.
It wasn't until last nights run when tears started streaming down my face that I realized how much I have changed this summer. And not necessarily in a good way. I will say though I have learned some very valuable lessons. Just when I didn't think I had love or forgiveness to show, the Lord filled me to the prim with those characteristics for certain people. Even if they or others didn't see it. Most of the time when I feel unworthy of spiritual guidance, the Lord is always always always there to help me along the way. Especially when I need Him the most with our own personal loss and disappointment.
This summer has also been filled with lots of decision making. After weeks- even months of discussing the possibility of Cony not pursuing his PhD, we have indeed decided to only pursue the Masters. Which puts us in the job market. We have learned fast, it's a scary place to be in. We keep reminding ourselves that we have never been left in the dust. Just when we feel it's completely impossible, the impossible happens. We know there is a plan for us, but man, oh man, practicing faith in that knowledge is difficult.