My emotions are overflowing at the moment. A side from my bad writing skills, writing things down is always therapeutic for various reasons. I always need Cony to give me 30 minutes so I can gather my thoughts, if that still doesn't work, I turn to writing. This is one of those moments where my vocal chords can't seem to find the words I need to say.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I was blind sided by how it ended. I went in expecting to be put on Clomid- a fertility drug that "wakes" up my ovaries. In the last 6 weeks, I have had a lot of different test/procedures done and the Doctor asked me if we were trying to get pregnant right away or if we wanted to wait a few months. I was shocked he was asking me this question. Mainly because I didn't get an HSG done just the fun of it- in fact it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He continued to ask me questions and with my answers he was now giving me the shocked look. I didn't get a certain test done because I thought I got it done but in fact that same day it was 2 different things I should have gotten done.
Because this test wasn't done on the 5th day of my period (which I never have) and Cony still hasn't given him a sperm sample there is nothing he can do for me until my cycle starts and we can run this test. As he was telling me this, tears started shedding because I don't know when that day will come. It could be in 3, 6 or 9 months. I feel like we are back to square one and I don't even want to continue. Oh! And they put me on the scale today and instead of loosing weight I've gained! I'm no fool when it comes to working out and eating right either.
There are many different aspects to this equation that are just too personal to share with the world wide web but waves are crashing down on my soul. I'm completely numb with sadness and pure anger and Cony doesn't know what to do.... I don't know what to do with me. If you are reading this and you have suffered much more than I, I apologize. I apologize you are reading my wimpy story and that you have felt deeper sorrows because I don't know how women handle the disappointment that comes with infertility. This is exactly why I've ignore the problem for so long....
Posted by M Crew at 6:51 PM