Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I think it's going to rain today..

My emotions are overflowing at the moment. A side from my bad writing skills, writing things down is always therapeutic for various reasons. I always need Cony to give me 30 minutes so I can gather my thoughts, if that still doesn't work, I turn to writing. This is one of those moments where my vocal chords can't seem to find the words I need to say.


I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I was blind sided by how it ended. I went in expecting to be put on Clomid- a fertility drug that "wakes" up my ovaries. In the last 6 weeks, I have had a lot of different test/procedures done and the Doctor asked me if we were trying to get pregnant right away or if we wanted to wait a few months. I was shocked he was asking me this question. Mainly because I didn't get an HSG done just the fun of it- in fact it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He continued to ask me questions and with my answers he was now giving me the shocked look. I didn't get a certain test done because I thought I got it done but in fact that same day it was 2 different things I should have gotten done.

Because this test wasn't done on the 5th day of my period (which I never have) and Cony still hasn't given him a sperm sample there is nothing he can do for me until my cycle starts and we can run this test. As he was telling me this, tears started shedding because I don't know when that day will come. It could be in 3, 6 or 9 months. I feel like we are back to square one and I don't even want to continue. Oh! And they put me on the scale today and instead of loosing weight I've gained! I'm no fool when it comes to working out and eating right either.

There are many different aspects to this equation that are just too personal to share with the world wide web but waves are crashing down on my soul. I'm completely numb with sadness and pure anger and Cony doesn't know what to do.... I don't know what to do with me. If you are reading this and you have suffered much more than I, I apologize. I apologize you are reading my wimpy story and that you have felt deeper sorrows because I don't know how women handle the disappointment that comes with infertility. This is exactly why I've ignore the problem for so long....


10 comments:

Tara said...

So sorry Megan. I know how painful those tests are.

I wish that these doctors had more sensitivity training and could make things more clear of what to do and when! My dr. inferred that I wasn't getting any younger... (and yes I know that). There is so much to do - but eventually you'll have all the tests done and get some answers which may give you some peace.

Nom de Plume said...

I'm really sorry sweetie. Chance and I are praying for you. We tried for two years before I got pregnant and I remember the pain of every period and every other person's pregnancy announcement. The thing that helped the most was when i finally got to a point where I decided it would happen eventually and until then, I was going to live it up as a young married woman. Children are undoubtedly a blessing but they also seem to change the lives of their parents in ways that restrict them. Try to enjoy the time where you and Cony can do anything you want at the drop of a hat. One day you'll have to plan and budget for a sitter! :) Keep the faith sister!

Captivating Eyes said...

Megan, I am so sorry for all of this. There may be people out there that have gone through worse, but this is the worse you have had to deal with. It's so heartbreaking to hear that things are bad. I'm praying for you. I wish you and Cony so much happiness.

Love ya!!

Mags [Margaret] said...

((hugs)) and ((more hugs)). you are loved.
Margaret

Heather said...

My heart broke with every word for you. I have known those words, and I have been in that seat. Not one I wish on anyone. I pray that you will find answers, I pray that you are blessed with the joys of motherhood and sooner rather than later.

Parker and Tammie Barnett said...

Megan,
you have no idea how much I understand how you feel... I'm 8 years into trying for baby #1 and it has been quite a journey. I remember feeling exactly like you do right now... but, with faith and knowledge there is power and I've been blessed with an increase of both during these past 8 years. If you'd like... email me (tbarnett318@gmail.com)... if you can share more specifics... there may be something I've experienced that could help. I've been through the ringer and if there is anything that I've learned that could be of any help to you... I would be so happy!
Never give up hope... in fact... get your hopes UP... better days are ahead!
much love!
Tammie

Chelsea said...

Atleast you have hope. That's a little more than some people have...

RebeckerOnline said...

Sorry to hear of your pain. Some of these things feel like they take a long time.

Last week I went to the women's doctor and she had to read a statement to me because of my age - that I understood that if I decide to get pregnant when I get married, I'm at risk. It was a heartbreaking feeling, and of course they leave the room after that as you take off all your clothes and they do their thing.

I ended up going home and making little Halloween treat baskets for two little kids in my ward to make myself feel like I was a vicarious mother. It gave me a temporarily relief.

Of course, now that I'm writing this I'm starting to cry. Goodness! I'm going to count it as virtual empathy! (-:

Praying that all the best comes your way!

The Potter Pack said...

I love you Meggy. You have the greatest desires. You will be blessed. So proud of you.

Cecilia said...

Megan,

I check your blog quite regularly to see how you are doing and because it is so entertaining. I read this post and I know that I can offer very little to you. I can't imagine how much you are hurting. I know that every time I hear someone who doesn't want children I think of how much they are missing. I am amazed at how each person, family, and couple has to take steps into their own Gethsemane. I know you are one of the most talented beautiful people that I have ever met and would be a great mother. We will keep you in our prayers. I know that when,sooner or later, that you hold a child that belongs to you in your arms that you will love them oh so much more because you will understand what you went through to hold that child in your arms. You are loved. I am sorry you are are hurting.