Let's be frank.

As I sit here I question whether or not it was a good idea to share our personal struggle so publicly. The month of November has been very adventurous and I wanted to document it, but I can't seem to find it in me. The last few weeks I've had a black hole in my heart and I've done nothing to get rid of it. In fact, I've welcomed it with open arms. I have shut out anything inspirational and ignored my testimony. A few days ago I slowly started to realize that I was not going to get anywhere with this type of attitude but it wasn't until yesterday that I sincerely got on my knees and asked for help. I've been in circumstances in my life that have caused me to have these same feelings and as soon as I ask for help, I know that Heavenly Father comes running. However, I was reminded that satan works just as hard to keep me down. It's not just a tug-a-war... it's a war.

I wanted to write down my testimony not only so I could remember it, but so it will strengthen. Because a testimony is like teaching a subject... you know the subject better when you share it. I'm not sure what the plan is for us, but I know there is a plan... and it's a perfect plan. I know Heavenly Father knows me and knows the struggles and temptations that haunt us. He knows our desires and wants us to be happy! I know that because of Heavenly Fathers love, our love for each other is stronger and helps us war off those same temptations that can blind us.

We can overcome this.. because we have something special that is worth fighting and winning the good fight.

It's official.

We are Connecticutians. At least that's what our car and driver's license now tell us. It was kinda a sad to let go of my GA license. But we are growing where we've been planted, and so far it's been an amazing adventure.

From GA to...

Connecticut.

If you will notice that license plates say CT is the Constitution State. We were very confused by this when we first moved here. We did a little research and this is what we found....

Connecticut is known as the "Constitution State". While the origin on this title is uncertain, the nickname is assumed to refer to the Fundamental Orders of 1638–39. These Fundamental Orders represent the framework for the first formal government written by a representative body in Connecticut. The government has operated under the direction of four separate documents in the course of Connecticut Constitutional History. After the Fundamental Orders, Connecticut was granted governmental authority by King Charles II of England through the Connecticut Charter of 1662. While these two documents acted to lay the groundwork for the state’s government, either document could be altered simply by a majority vote of the General Assembly.^{[citation needed]}

Separate branches of government did not exist during this period, and the General Assembly acted as the supreme authority. A constitution similar to the modern U.S. Constitution was not adopted in Connecticut until 1818. Finally, the current state constitution was implemented in 1965. The 1965 constitution absorbed a majority of its 1818 predecessor, but incorporated a handful of important modifications. Another possible source of the nickname "constitution state" comes from Connecticut's pivotal role in the federal constitutional convention of 1787, during which Roger Sherman and Oliver Ellsworth helped to orchestrate what became known as the Connecticut Compromise, or the Great Compromise. This plan combined the Virginia Plan and the New Jersey Plan to form a bicameral legislature, a form copied by almost every state constitution since the adoption of the federal constitution

I recognize that my second post yesterday was very discouraging. I wouldn't normally share such a low moment but I want to keep track of the good and the bad parts of our journey.

I think it's going to rain today..

My emotions are overflowing at the moment. A side from my bad writing skills, writing things down is always therapeutic for various reasons. I always need Cony to give me 30 minutes so I can gather my thoughts, if that still doesn't work, I turn to writing. This is one of those moments where my vocal chords can't seem to find the words I need to say.

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I was blind sided by how it ended. I went in expecting to be put on Clomid- a fertility drug that "wakes" up my ovaries. In the last 6 weeks, I have had a lot of different test/procedures done and the Doctor asked me if we were trying to get pregnant right away or if we wanted to wait a few months. I was shocked he was asking me this question. Mainly because I didn't get an HSG done just the fun of it- in fact it was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. He continued to ask me questions and with my answers he was now giving me the shocked look. I didn't get a certain test done because I thought I got it done but in fact that same day it was 2 different things I should have gotten done.

Because this test wasn't done on the 5th day of my period (which I never have) and Cony still hasn't given him a sperm sample there is nothing he can do for me until my cycle starts and we can run this test. As he was telling me this, tears started shedding because I don't know when that day will come. It could be in 3, 6 or 9 months. I feel like we are back to square one and I don't even want to continue. Oh! And they put me on the scale today and instead of loosing weight I've gained! I'm no fool when it comes to working out and eating right either.

There are many different aspects to this equation that are just too personal to share with the world wide web but waves are crashing down on my soul. I'm completely numb with sadness and pure anger and Cony doesn't know what to do.... I don't know what to do with me. If you are reading this and you have suffered much more than I, I apologize. I apologize you are reading my wimpy story and that you have felt deeper sorrows because I don't know how women handle the disappointment that comes with infertility. This is exactly why I've ignore the problem for so long....

Planes, trains and automobiles

We've been traveling a lot and finally made our way home last night after attending Cony's grandmother's funeral in Louisiana. I flew into Dallas from Atlanta and met up with Cony before making the 4 hour drive to Plain Dealings, LA. I love the South and I particularly love old, small southern towns. We definitely got our fixing of the accent and really enjoyed our time with family. We both know that death is part of the plan and although death can/is difficult, I couldn't help but be grateful for death this weekend, sounds morbid-I know but let me explain.. Cony's parents haven't always liked me. In fact, according to them I was the devil. I'm not exaggerating. It was a very bad time. It wasn't until my own father passed and we attended Cony's step-mothers grandmothers funeral that doors were opened and they now love me. Every time we get together (which seems to be at funerals) it feels more like home. Cony even shared with his parents that we are trying to have a baby and they didn't flip! Although I had been in Atlanta all week away from my man, we found ourselves not wanting to leave...

Some highlights of my trip:

-Mustache Party at the High with the sister that ended up being FREE!

-Robek's smoothies almost every day

-Seeing all my kiddos and getting Jordan off the bus!

-Attending and photographing a wonderful friends wedding

We're headed back to Atlanta this weekend for this lovely little girls baptism!

Happy Birthday me!

It seemed that every photo shoot I attended it wasn't without drama. Ran out of gas in mom's truck after one, and got into a accident going to another. I wasn't driving but Jenny who is pregnant was and their huge SUV handled it amazingly. Told Cony he no longer has a say ... we will be getting a big car or SUV when we get pregnant. I don't think he's totally convinced.

** have you noticed some of my photos are missing? I'm still trying to figure things out with Flickr... if you have any ideas, let me know!

Cony's on my mind...

As I sit here next to the BFF and my sister in the middle of nowhere Georgia, I realize how lucky I am that Georgia still feels like home. It was 70 degrees today, while in Connecticut I missed the first snow fall this morning. Of course it would be much better if my man was with me, but I have people here that love me so it doesn't feel so bad.

I miss Connecticut for a few reasons...

1. no traffic! (although the slow drivers are close to driving me mad...where's the happy middle?)

2. .... that's all I can think of for now...

I miss Georgia for a few reasons..

1. Robek's Acai fit shake!

2. Mellow Mushroom

3. my nieces and nephews

4. wonderful group of friends

5. lots of job opportunities...

Don't get me wrong, I'm loving Connecticut! I just forgot how much I miss these little things. I photographed a wedding on Saturday that I can't wait to share because the bride has become a very dear friend and the love her and the groom share is real. And I love real love. It makes me happy.

Speaking of real love.. Cony and I had some photos taken by this awesome chick a few weeks ago and the preview is on her blog. It was fun to capture us being us and while I've been away from him, it's nice to look back on them. Don't judge, you would do it too.

I sure do miss Georgia, but I miss my little home with my man. His grandmother in Louisiana passed away last week, so we'll be heading down there at the end of the week. The Lord's timing is interesting considering I'm already down here and have time off work.

Past the point of no return...

I've had that song in my head all day long. It's from Phantom of the Opera and you can imagine how beautiful I must sound trying to mimic Broadway stars. Since I can remember as a little girl my mom would play POTO music on the piano and we would stand there and sing (at least try to). Sitting there in the Majestic Theatre brought all those happy memories back and I couldn't help but cry. As long as I can remember I've wanted to go to Broadway and watch Phantom of the Opera and Les Miserables. Yesterday that little dream came true. It took my breath away. Cony now loves Broadway and can't wait to go back. I call that a success ladies and gentlemen!

I turn 30 today. Yes, I said 30! We celebrated this momentous birthday by hopping on a train to NYC yesterday and it couldn't have been better. Except for the few times that we couldn't seem to communicate and got super frustrated with each other. I can't decide if communication is under rated or over rated...

this photo was appropriate for the moment..

if you look closely to the screen.. we are to the left and you can't miss my white jacket.

New York City Library is out of control - amazing.

We're ending the evening with breakfast burritos which have been a tradition for my birthday since... a long time.